I have undergone a rather interesting transformation as I have grown up, especially from my high school years to the present. Over the past couple years I have become very good at concealing my true emotions and feelings. I have learned to put on a very convincing mask as difficulty comes my way or anger begins to creep in. I have also learned to assuage my emotions when I know they have the capability of hurting another. This assuaging however, leads to the internalization of those feelings.
Over the past couple weeks I've felt a very somber sort of presence over me. I've been getting headaches, all of my classes feel very pointless, and I've found that my temper is increasingly short. Take this for example: I was standing in line at the sandwich shop on campus just about an hour ago. I put in my order and they then proceeded to toast the pita that I ordered. At this location, they call out your order when it is ready and it is generally understood by the school population that the time you approach the counter follows the order of the line. I see my pita exit the oven and the guy making the order calls out, "Chicken Pesto no peppers." I put one foot forward towards the counter when out of the corner of my eye, a girl leans forward from the back of the line to snag MY order. I knew for a fact she was after me because I saw her walk in AFTER I was already standing in line.
Perhaps this is a bit of an overreaction. Perhaps other extraneous factors may have led to my internal anger moment in line waiting for my food. Whatever the case, there is an obvious need for reflection and discernment.
I don't normally like to talk about personal struggles or trials on here but in looking at the first few posts I wrote, I noticed that they were written with extreme attention to the things that God was doing in my own life. The very experiences, both the triumphs and the failures, were evidence of the things God was doing in my life. Those experiences became the very foundation of my writing, all pointing to a God and King that loves me and you.
I feel like I have lost that personal touch to the words I once so easily expressed. I've become so infatuated with the number of views I accumulated, who was viewing my most recent post, and how impressive I could make myself look by preaching some sort of "breakthrough" in the scriptures or channelling my thoughts to form some sort of "untapped wisdom." Once again Pride has gripped me by the very jowls of my face, making It the ultimate purpose for my existence.
But I know that to not be true. I know that I am not on this planet to gain glory or notoriety. I am not here to boost my own confidence or self-esteem. I was put here to give glory to the only One worthy of it. I was put here to direct all attention to the God that deserves and desires it. This life isn't about me, this life isn't about you. It is about Him.
Before you jump to conclusions thinking I am depressed or severely disheartened, STOP. It is merely a valley that my God has promised to see me through, a valley that, although bleak and overwhelming, cannot even compare to the joy He has prepared for me.
If you want to help me out, prayer is what I request. Pray for solidarity in this time of wavering. I feel that God is showing me a different side of Christianity, one that I have yet to truly experience. During this time I know that He is molding me into something of far more use than what I previously was. Above all else, my God is sovereign and I trust in His plans. This trust is not in the sense of "Oh well whatever happens is the will of God" but in the sense that everything God allows to happen is for my benefit and I know that He will guide me. I am praying for you as well, even if I don't know your name or what you are struggling with, the Holy Spirit will intercede. God is Good. God is Just. God is Love.